posted on October 1, 2003 11:02:18 PM new
>For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
>>
>>The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
>>visiting from Canada.
>>
>>Frank (Judge #3): "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
>>a
>>chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
>>and I
>>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
>>to
>>the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
>>two
>>judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
>>besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
>>accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy #*!@, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>>flames
>>out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>>seriously.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
>>I'm
>>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
>>to
>>give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
>>saw
>>the look on my face.
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>>like
>>I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
>>more
>>beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
>>in
>>the front part of my chest. I'm getting #*!@-faced from all of the beer.
>>
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>>
>>other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
>>to
>>taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the 300-lb.
>>barmaid,
>>was standing behind me with fresh refills. She is starting to look HOT..
>>
>>...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>>
>>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>>admit
>>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
>>can
>>no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
>>chili
>>had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
>>pouring
>>beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
>>off.
>>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
>>screaming.
>>Screw those rednecks.
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>>spices
>>and peppers.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>>garlic.
>>Superb.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>>sulfuric flames. I #*!@ myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
>>
>>through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
>>Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
>>
>>need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>>chili
>>peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
>>
>>Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>>uncontrollably.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>>like
>>it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
>>unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like #*!@ to match
>>my
>>shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>>decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
>>any
>>oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
>>hole
>>in my stomach.
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
>>
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>>bold
>>but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
>>
>>hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed
>>
>>out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
>>
>>Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
>>reacted
>>to really hot chili.
